Those stars weren't so big, they were really so small.

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 08:04:15 GMT

im coming back to live journallll
cause i'm sick of makin myspace blogs & no one caring...haha

kbut i'm making a new name
& im going to make it friends only
but just letting everyone know [yep all like...7 of you]

YAY!

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 04:40:23 GMT

i was so bored so i took personality quizzes & they are mostly way accurate & it's creepy.

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (30%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.
Extraversion (80%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (90%) very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Accommodation (48%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests.
Orderliness (44%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, random, scattered, and fun seeking at the expense of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Emotional Stability (20%) low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Inquisitiveness (76%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Type 3	Image Focus	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Type 4	Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%

Your main type is 6
Your variant is self pres

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Maslow Inventory Results

Physiological Needs (37%) you appear to have everything you need to survive physically.
Safety Needs (40%) you appear to have an adequately secure environment.
Love Needs (74%) you appear to be unhappy with the quality of your social connections.
Esteem Needs (50%) you appear to have a medium level of skill competence.
Self-Actualization (43%) you appear to have an average level of individual development.

Take Free Maslow Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Locus of Control Test Results

Internal Locus (26%) Individual believes that their life is defined more by their decisions and internal drive.
External Locus (74%) Individual believes that their life is defined more by genetics, environment, fate, or other external factors.

Take Free Locus of Control Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (56%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal (33%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything.
Phallic (30%) you appear to have negative issues regarding sexuality and/or have an uncertain sexual identity.
Latency (73%) you appear to be afraid or averse to present or future real world responsibilities, this will only make your inevitable transition more difficult, so learn to deal with the real world.
Genital (40%) you appear to be somewhere between a progressive/openminded and regressive/closeminded outlook on life.

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (91%) very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Neuroticism (77%) high which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Psychoticism (33%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).

Take Eysenck Personality Test (similar to EPQ-R)
personality tests by similarminds.com

i think i'll probably take more of these tomorrow
but i really do need to go to sleep cause i have to get up at 5 =/.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 01:47:47 GMT

..& the only reason i don't ever say i'm sorry is because i worry that i will be the only one who is.
i hate looking like a fool
& plus...i don't need to say i'm sorry if i'm not needed.
& apparently there is someone much better than me around now
so who cares if i'm sorry?
who cares if i miss it?
doesn't matter.
it's too late.

FFTL definitely fills me with joy

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 02:22:45 GMT

THEMOSTGLORIOUSSONGINTHEHISTORYOFTHEWORLDEVERKTHX!

"Secrets Don't Make Friends"

This place is a bloodbath
And we won't be taken alive
We stand alone
Under fictitious skies

You were always my enemy and carefully crafted my demise [2x]
Our hearts beat strong under fictitious skies
You were always my enemy, suck the life out of me
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Scatter my brains across the wall

You were my compass
Leading me to nowhere fast
Promises were lonely roads
I followed you down like a map

You were always my enemy and carefully crafted my demise [2x]
Our hearts beat strong under fictitious skies
You were always my enemy, suck the life out of me
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Scatter my brains across the wall

Fuck you
Secrets don't make friends [3x]
Secrets don't make...

Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me

[2x]
Your words are deadly weapons
Killing me, destroying me
Your words are deadly weapons
Scatter my brains across the wall

[repeating:] Secrets don't make friends

go go go gogogogogogog
LISTEN TO ITTTT!

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 23:23:11 GMT

when ex best friends have inside jokes with their new best friends it's okay.
when ex best friends have inside jokes with their new best friends that just happen to be the same as your old ones, it's not okay.
kthx.

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 02:27:40 GMT

doot doot
so life is pretty grand but got kinda upset last night
alyssa, if you read this, i kinda need/want to talk to you about jared, but like, it'd have to be a real conversation & i dono if that'd be like...way awkward so umm...if it's okay with you just IM me or something? it's sortof important but not like THAT important.

so in other news.
im tired as a mofo
nothing is going on at all
i bought of bunch of pretty shweet makeup
& i have like 20572057 hours of makeup work left to do since i missed tuesday & wednesday
BITCHES.
grr.

so now brooke & i are making grilled cheese
& i'm tired as hell
& i wish a boy would come over & spend the night with me as i am feeling lonely.
k...bye.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 03:39:25 GMT

i don't know if anyone knows this
but i don't say i'm sorry FIRST.
i just noticed that.
i don't say i'm sorry first
like ever.
even if i am sorry long before they tell me they are.
even if i DON'T mean it & i'm not sorry at all.
the only time i'll apologize to you, is if you apologize to me first.
thats probably not the greatest way to be, eh?
in other news
this weekend is going to suck cause i don't get to see him & that saddens me a little.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 01:03:37 GMT

OMG MEGAN BROOKE!
IF YOU CAN'T HANG OUT THIS WEEKEND I MUST KILL YOU
[i really want to see himmmm]
=[

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 23:08:21 GMT

i miss having a best friend that makes me laugh.
now IM the funny one in the relationship.
& i don't like it one bit
i mean, i guess it's cool to be the one making someone laugh, rather than being the one to do all the laughing.
but no one makes me laugh X_x

although i must admit
the whole skittles/panty thing was FUNNYASFUCK!
[lolz@megan]

but anyway
i only have 700 songs in my IPOD
it fits 5,000
i think i have some work to do, no?

umm
im a loser nerd & it's time for me to go crossstitch now.
NOIMNOTJOKING.

&& in other news.
i bought supersexy ribbons today.
& uhh
no one reads this but it's fun to update anyway.
&& uhh
BEING PREPPY IS LIKE 20572057275 TIMES MORE FUN THAN BEING EMO.
although i must admit. making fun of preps is also funny. OHBOY.

WELL ANYWHO;;
im OHSOELECTRIKK
[lolz@electrikk!!]
^^^^CLICK TO FIND OUT THE SECRETS OF THE ELECTRIKK KIDS! OGMLYKETOTALEEDEWITNOWE!
ELECTRIKK.
NOT SCENE.
SCENE IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
KTHX.

SCENE
Scene does not always mean you are a total arrogant stuck up little girl who loves dinosaurs and has a myspace.

Scene use to be the music scene, the people in it, and everything that had to do with it.

Now scene has become this little plate of girls putting their hair in a sidepart, wearing polka dots, and loving guns. This is very annoying and they pretty much ruin everything.

Just because you have a myspace does not mean you love guns or you're some elitist scene kid.

In fact, most people defining scene here are moreso defining electrikk."LYKE OMGZ I LOVE DINOSAURS BECAUSE I'M SO EFFIN SCENE!!!11"

if you're going to label people, at least do it right. sheesh.
electrikk kids will forever rule.
in YOURBATHTUB.
bhahaha.
i dono. i'm hyper. stfu.

[EDIT]
the best definition of electrikk out there.
car crashes <|3
gun noises x3
robots&&dinosaurs
neon.. polkadots<333333
thats so scene.
the blood brothers=sexxxxx.omgahwtf im electrikk__x3
LMAO@THAT!

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 22:55:08 GMT

today was boring
sean gave my skittles that was way rad.
skittles = love we all know this.
umm brooke spent the night last night
ummm we ate at olive garden
i got an IPOD for my birthday
jared got home last night & we talked
i WAS mad at him but now i dono?
it's all confusing but why create drama.
no point.
umm couldn't fall asleep until 1:30 cause of a humongous spider on my wall.
deffffintely think it was poisonous.
um
this weekend was wayrad.
football game, stephen's party, spent the night@megans, went to mall, watched movies@laredos w/ laredo, sarah, courtney, james, & megs. yep yep. then yesterday was my birthday of course. that was wayrad.
ummmmerly.
i think me & marisa might audition for the talent show.
or else i'll MC
cause already like 3 people asked me to.
i guess i'm just that cool?
uhm
i got an IPOD. oh yeai already said that. 20GB color fosho. uhm i also got around 200 dollars. maybe more. dono what i'm going to do with it yet. i already bought a ramones shirt, a reggie & the full effect shirt, some shirt from anchor blue [it was on clearance heck yes], a robot keychain [iknowimTRENDY], & some lipgloss. uhm. want to buy myself one of those itunes giftcards from target so i don't have like....use a credit card or something to buy music. cause doing things the lawful way is the wayTOgo.
right.
uhm
myspace is my hero
time for me to sleep now.
kbye.

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 22:32:59 GMT

life is amazing ^_^

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 18:10:26 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEE

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 15:22:19 GMT

emery is probably the most amazing band ever
homecoming game was fabulous last night
saw a bunch of people fireworks were way pretty
some people were sad & i was SURPRISINGLY not one of them =D.
uhm
i really don't like LJ much anymore but hey it's all good.
homecoming dance is tonight.
i'm way excited.
i can't even stand it
uhm...
i feel really mean cause this guy really likes me & i told him no to homecoming because like, i just don't like him that way & he got all depressed. everyone was telling me yesterday that he was really depressed. but i didn't know what to do! ahhh oh well. i told him i had to get to know him better first so hopefully i do that.
i had a dream that i made up with alyssa last night. it was weird, it was like....we just started takling & then all her livejournal & myspace friends were like WHY ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH HER. it was a strange dream i must say.
yes yes.
well i must go to megans to get ready for homecoming.
laters.

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 21:00:07 GMT

the girl who i once called my best friend thought it would be funny to delete my friends comments blogs & messages on myspace.
when i finally figured out she did it,
i deleted oh maybe 20 of her LJ entries & her userinfo. that's childsplay compared to what she did to me.
so what does she do?
-changes my LJ password & deletes my layout
-changes my e-mail password [that's how i talk to my dad, brother, grandma, etc.] & she also changed my secret question so i couldn't change my password back.
-deletes all my myspace pictures except one, changes the caption to "yes i shit myself" or something like that, deletes my profile my WHOLE freaking layout that took me a really really really long time to do. it took me so long to do it & she just deleted it like that. then she changed my about me to very rude things such as i am retarded & i take it in the ass. she made all of my general interests about toasters.
now because of this i'm not even allowed to have a myspace anymore.
i'm sorry but anyone who thinks that i did anything to deserve any of that makes no sense.
i never called her any name
i never said anything mean to her
i said "she changed" & taht it'd be best if we weren't friends anymore.
THAT'S what i did to deserve all that?
wow. imagine what i would've deserved if i would've called her fat or something.
i was crying so hard for like an hour cause i don't understand how my ex "best friend" could do something like that to me. yea, we aren't best friends anymore. or even friends. but you know what, that doesn't give anyone any right to say things like that about me. i'm not a mean person. ive never had anyone do anything this mean to me ever in my life. so if this is the meanest thing that's happened to me then obviously not too many people hate me enough to try to wreck my life. whatever. i'm done with the drama there is no purpose to it. i just feel like from now on i'm going to be a lot more guarded around people because you never know who you can trust.

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 06:03:40 GMT

it must suck to not have any real life friends.
the wreckage of my myspace taught me that
e-friends, really aren't going to do much for you.
but not having any real life friends
well that just straight up sucks.
i feel sorry for people =[

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 22:06:07 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	33%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|	16%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Adventurousness	\|\|	10%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|	16%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 05:53:08 GMT

aw guys
i'm sorry i neglected you
but there are only like 2 of you so it's quite alright

tonight was interesting
i have like 52075207 hours worth of homework but luckily i am down to just my last paper.
that is good but i have been working since 6:30 & it's 11:47. I'M ONLY A FRESHMAN & IT'S ONLY THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL.
sorry it just doesn't make sense.
but anyway tonight was interesting
i slept until 6:30 when i got home cause i was tired from staying up all night last night on homework.
when my mom got home she told me she saw jennifer & jennifer tried to tell her that alysas & jennifer were best friends again & how she's soooo sad alyssa is leaving & that i'm mean to everyone especially alyssa. i guess she wanted my mom to think i was a bad kid or something? i dono. it doesn't make sense. i laugh at her poor attempts to ruin my life. my mom that it was definitely funny.
& thennnn i had to type this paper so my mom went to the store to buy ink but she ended up buying me a printer instead so we open it up & it's missing the USB cord welll HELLLOOO we need that. so anyway by then its like 8 something & my mom is pissed so then she notices on the side of the box is says USB not included but that's gay cause in the booklet thingie jigger it says it is. so she leaves & i'm cooking me a pizza. & my time goes off like -beep beep- & i open up the hot oven & stick the top of my arm right on the top rack. YAY now i have a huge burn on my arm. its so ugly & it hurts like a mofo but aloe is my best friend. so is coffee. speaking of best friends,
MINE IS GETTING HOMESCHOOL.
gr at her & all she stands for
okay that made no sense. i wish i could give more detal & write forever but i still have a 5 paragraph essay to write & i haven't started yet & i'm tired as hell & when i'm tired like this i tend to hallucinate & i don't think that can be good for my schoolwork. so i am off to work & sleep.
NIGHTTTT ALLLLL.

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 19:33:28 GMT

just wait until school starts.

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 05:51:35 GMT

brooke said my ghost's name is emily.
she said she was irish just like i am.
& that she has curly red hair, green eyes & she died in a green gown.
that the computer room was her room & that she died by cutting herself in the kitchen with a knife.
now i sure do believe in my ghost,
but i think brooke is making shit up.
she said she heard her calling "mommy help me"
i think she's paranoid/insane. =D

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 05:15:41 GMT

i am a hilary duff fan.
the end.

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 20:10:26 GMT

"I remember growing up like it was only yesterday,
Mom and Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way.
But the hard times and the liquor drove the easy love away.
And the only love I knew about was hard love.

It was hard love, every hour of the day,
When Christmas to my birthday was a million years away,
And the fear the came between them drove the tears into my play,
There was love in Daddy's house, but it was hard love.

And I recall the gentle courtesy you gave me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside.
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried,
This ain't no easy weekend, this is hard love.

It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle senses of shame,
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name,
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave to you was hard love.

It was hard love, it was hard on you I know,
When the only lave I gave to you was love I couldn't show.
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go,
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love.

So I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime,
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind,
For the Lord's cross might redeem us, but out own just wastes our time,
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love.

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes it's hard love, but it''s love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game.
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of the name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love."

spilling your guts out is a hard thing to do...

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 18:50:44 GMT

"First you laugh, then you tell a pretty lie, then you stick your tongue in each other's mouths, then you say something really mean and hurtful to eahother, the you go off to find somebody else who wants to play the game. This is an activity for intelligent people? I think not"

That quote [from the book Hard Love] really got me thinking. Why is it that I want a relationship so bad? Is it the I need the justicfication of knowing someone wants to be with me? Or is it more than that? All these thoughts were going through my head and I just didn't know what to make of it.

I have a lot of issues with myself that I need to settle. I get attached way to easily to people I hardly know. Because of this, I get my "heart broken" constantly. I'm not sure if there is some specific reason I do this, such as my childhood, or something, but all I know is I don't like doing it.

Last night I was laying in bed trying to figure myself out. Have you ever done that? Just layed there and tried to figure out why you do the things you do, and act the way you act? It's hard for me to understand why I get so irked at people for lying to me, when I can barely have any relationship (friendship, or otherwise) where I am completely honest with the person. I will admit it, I am a liar. I twist things around to make them in my favor. The closer I am to you, to more I will probably lie to you. And I'm good at it too. Unlike Brooke, I don't get caught. There are only 2 people now who I talk to that I can say I have never lied to. At least not maliciously. And even those 2, i've lied to. Little white lies, but still. I don't know what it is about the TRUTH that I just can't handle.

I will come out and say it, I'm an intelligent person. I can use big words, and proper grammar (for the most part). But I act like a complete idiot when I'm around other people. I'm not exactly sure why I do that either. I fall into this like, alter ego where I'm a huge idiot. I guess when I used to be proud of being smart, people teased me. I lived my life according to other people, I cried myself to sleep every night. I know, I know "pity me, pity me" but the things that happen in your childhood end up molding you into who you are in the later years.

I never understood why kids were so mean to me. Sure, I wasn't the most gorgeous girl, but I was nice. And even those girls who teased me every day, I helped them out when they needed it. People liked to walk all over me. Still do. But I've learned to not be a very forgiving person, and once you're on my bad side, you will probably stay there.

I have huge self-esteem issues. Who doesn't, right? I look at myself in the mirror and I see nice eyes, nice hair, nice eyelashes, a perfect nose, full lips, and nice cheekbones. But, at the same time, I see an extremely ugly girl. And I'm not sure what it is that makes me feel so ugly. I love my personality, for the most part, so that whole saying "your personality shines through" well for me that isn't true.

I was never like, abused as a child. At least not physically. But I was definitely emotionally/verbally abused, and that is damaging too. I have this problem where if someone yells at me, or attacks me for too long, I just cry. I run into a little corner and cry. It's like a defense mechanism that isn't for defense at all. I don't know why I do that. I wish I had the strength to just tell that person to fuck off & leave me be.

I don't know exactly what I'm trying to accomplish with this, except to try to organize my jumbled thoughts so I can make some sort of sense of them.

I've come to the conclusion that the reason I was a "slut" for so long, was because I wasn't getting the attention I wanted from the guys I wanted attention from. So, I became, not exactly a slut, because I didn't have sex, but you know. Easy? Yes. Sometimes I fall back into that. I try so hard to be like, good, because I know how disappointed my friends would be if I went back and did something like Florida all over again.

And I've also come to the conclusion that, when I decide I hate people for no reason, it's because they've hurt me. And in my life, I've been hurt my many people who were very close to me, and I can't help it who hurts me. So now, if someone hurts me, I just shut them out. They don't get to hurt me again. I guess that is my true defense mechanism. If I start distancing myself from you, it's because I'm scared of getting hurt. Whether or not you've actually hurt me. So I guess in a way, I'm not emotionally ready for another serious relationship. Because my last one, I let my guard down. I didn't slowly back away. But I did lie.

So I guess, in a way you could say, the people I hate are the ones who I love the most. Except that is not true for all of them, but for the most part. I also decide I "hate you" and "never want to talk to you again" if I feel as if I'm going to let you down. If I feel as if I'm not good enough to be friends with you/be seen with you. I will distance myself. And you would think you did something, but it's just that I'm afraid.

It seems as if I have myself all figured out, but the truth is I don't. I don't have myself all figured out at all, but I wish I did.

So that is all I have to say for right now. Except I really think I need to go into therapy :[

I will leave you with a poem.
"I trust the red sun setting,
the leafless November trees.
On Monday morning I look forward
Fearlessly to Friday's Eve.

But human's are not as reliable
As nature, as trees.
I wonder if you'll come back;
I trust only that you'll leave."

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 20:57:59 GMT

the end :]

bahahahha

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 06:41:13 GMT

xmiserablexxstar: i hope you die teehee
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: so do i...no please leave me alone..i dont want anything to do with you nor do i want you even to be mentioned in my life
xmiserablexxstar: i was just kidding =/ i don't want you to die....just be in as much pain as you caused me. kthxbainow.
xmiserablexxstar: you just proved you're capable of talking....& i don't care if you want nothing to do with me.....what makes you have such hatred towards me
xmiserablexxstar: i never did anything to you
xmiserablexxstar: lying isn't as big of a deal as you make it out to be....
xmiserablexxstar: believe me i WANT to leave you alone, okay
xmiserablexxstar: but i can't until you answer my questions
xmiserablexxstar: it's not as if i enjoy doing this
xmiserablexxstar: there are much worse things i could've done.
xmiserablexxstar: omg how stupid are you? this could be the last time i'd ever bug you, if you'd just tell me what i ever did to you to make you hate me so damn much
xmiserablexxstar: cause if you don't, it won't be the last time
xmiserablexxstar: the last time will never come.
xmiserablexxstar: unless you just answer
xmiserablexxstar: i mean holy crap.
xmiserablexxstar: >.< have some common sense here
xmiserablexxstar: you want me to leave you alone? then give me a reason to.
xmiserablexxstar: cause i know just how you feel buddy & it's not a good place to be in, believe me. & i'm sorry for saying i hope you die i just wanted to piss you off but look you really need to tell me what i did...
xmiserablexxstar: the only reason you don't want to talk to me is cause it will prove me right
xmiserablexxstar: it makes more sense
xmiserablexxstar: to just answer
xmiserablexxstar: it's not like i want to have a conversation
xmiserablexxstar: i just want you to tell me what i did
xmiserablexxstar: >.< you're dumb
xmiserablexxstar: you could end it.
xmiserablexxstar: & you just don't want to
xmiserablexxstar: you're retarded.
xmiserablexxstar: lalala
xmiserablexxstar: i'm still talking
xmiserablexxstar: i'm not stopping
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: i dont have fucking answers to your questiones that just wont solve anything for you..the day you lied to me you ruined everything...i only wanted to get some cuz i was young and stupid ok..those days are over..i wanted nothing to do with this love shit...now will you please leave me the fuck alone
xmiserablexxstar: ....
xmiserablexxstar: well....i could...but how did it ruin anything?
xmiserablexxstar: it ruined nothing for me :]
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: i dont know if i can ever believe any girl i talk to thats how
xmiserablexxstar: cause of me?
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: now leave me alone you fucking physco
xmiserablexxstar: hshahah
xmiserablexxstar: yep.
xmiserablexxstar: i agree.
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: your like a ucking stalker from another state
xmiserablexxstar: i don't stalk you
xmiserablexxstar: haha
xmiserablexxstar: i just IM you way too much
xmiserablexxstar: theres a difference
xmiserablexxstar: a HUGE difference
xmiserablexxstar: i would never ever go that far, and i'm not all that psycho.
xmiserablexxstar: but oh well, if that's what you want to believe, you believe it....
xmiserablexxstar: supFAGGY.
xmiserablexxstar: anyway, you never told me why you hated me :]
xmiserablexxstar: & that's what i asked for.
xmiserablexxstar: & i'm fairly certain i only told you'd i leave you alone if you answered that
xmiserablexxstar: supCLEVER 8-)
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: i did tho..you ruined my trust...ok and you lied...lying is huge to me
xmiserablexxstar: you're so confusing too "hrhrhr i only wanted to get some cause i was young & stupid but hrhrhr it had this deep psychological impact on me where i can't believe any girl ever hrhrhrh"
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: thats why i hate you
xmiserablexxstar: meh. i didn't lie that much
xmiserablexxstar: you're just a whiner.
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: ok then leave me the fuck alone..thats all i want
xmiserablexxstar: buttt fine. i'm a girl of my word & i said i'd leave you alone & i have no more cleverness up my sleeve so i guess i'm forced to leave you alone :[ wellll buddy, it's been fun bugging the hell out of you & i will definitely miss it....haha....riiight. but no worries cause you'll get yours.
DoNtEeTmYpNgWiN7: im already getting mine..now go
xmiserablexxstar: good. suphatred. no worries i'm alreadyyyy gone.

i don't care who you think is right
because i love me.
& i don't care how miserable he is
cause i'm happy again :D

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 20:27:40 GMT

it's those days where we sit around and do
nothing. it's the moments we laugh so hard,
we cry. it's the way we look at each other &
know what's going threw each others head
it's those stupid pictures and the jokes those
are the reasons we're best friends<3

YAY.

ummm hi
i am eating cap'n crunch.
yum
>.